I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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