I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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