I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
