my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
