her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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