I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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