508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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