ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
