When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
