Just invented taco cereal.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
