I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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