So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
