Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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