I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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