I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
