I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
