a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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