we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
