I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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