If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
