Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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