Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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