Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
