you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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