Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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