Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
