My room smells like vodka and shame
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
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