come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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