I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
