I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She bit a glass in half.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
