Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
