Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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