i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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