I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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