if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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