i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize