I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize