he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Randomize
