i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
