Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
And then my night got REAL pukey
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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