pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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