I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
