What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
