Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I said "one day" and that day is not today
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
