she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
