for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
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