I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Your penis caused this!
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