He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
