I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
