Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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